Back from the Grave

For what I've gone through, it really feels like I have been crawling out of a hole. I have been blessed with expriencing little loss of a loved ones in my life. Probably the most devistating loss I had felt up to March 25 2012, was when Perry went on his mission. But, he came back.

I have gone through all stages of grief. Denial and Anger, big time! It got to a point that I had to stop looking at my IG and FB feeds. It was too hard seeing little babies. I was pregnant around the same time as many friends. I felt stuck too, emotionally. I am happy for them, but I envy them.

As Perry and I have worked through things, we have come to a realization that we experienced two polar opposites, at the same time. 21 weeks is a long time to be pregnant. I had about 5 months to think about Perry and I being parents. We found we were going to have a girl at 19 weeks. We started getting excited(and debating) about possible names. Would she look like me? Or would the Burton genes take over? It didn't matter, we would love her all the same.

When I first started experiencing swelling at the beginning of March,  I did all I could to stay off my feet. I visited Tara Tullety (sister and midwife) for a monthly check up on March 21. My protein was too high in my Urine. She told me to try a couple things to get rid of the water. Two days later she asked me to come back in for some blood work. She took one look at my ankels and decided it was best if I went to the hospital. They would be able to get results a lot quicker.

I let Perry know I was going to get some tests done. When they checked me in, they literally checked me in. They gave me a room and told me to put on a robe. I called Perry letting him know they were admitting me, still thinking I was only getting test.

The next few hours seem like a blur of emtion and despair. I foudn out I had preeclampsia, and the only way to treat it was to deliver. With the baby being 21 weeks, there was no hope for survival. Her lungs were not developed. I labored for 36 long hours.

During this time I was able to find a little peace. By the time I delivered I was ready for it to happen. And although I was about to go through immense grief and pain, I was able to get a little glimpse of happiness. I was able to see Perry hold our baby girl. We named her Olive(after someone on my mothers side). She was 10.4 oz. and 7.5 inches long.

Perry was so gentle and careful with this fragile little body. She was stillborn. I feel kind of blessed about that. I didn't have to see her struggle. This little girl looked just like Perry. She had his nose, his eyebrows. Goodness. I will never get over how perfect a baby can be at such a young gestation.

To be continued...

Maybe we'll get Internet

It is much easier to blog when I have Internet in my home. Our neighbors moved out in April, and took it with them. No more poopy old lab!

I somehow survived school. I got A- in my Stats and Math 118 class. A-!?!?!? My smarty pants husband Perry got an A.

I have been enjoying my jobs. I stay pretty busy at the salon. It's been fun getting to know the new hire, and I look forward to getting another new hire! I love my clients, we haven lot of fun chats. Working for Bare Bones has been rewarding but frustrating. The server for which we use the book keeping program on has had problems for weeks now. I am trying to work hard and learn what I need, but it's hard when I can't do everything I need! But I am the jack of all trades with that job. Book keeper/HR/executive sec.

I work a lot. I like it. We were able to go camping last weekend with four others. I will post pics later today.

Here are some fun pics.



Dexter and Vinny cuddling






Penelope at Sean's graduation



Sean's graduation speech




Hair fun!



Necklace I got as a gift. That's the birthstone for march



Gray Vinny and Penelope

FREEDOM

This is how I feel after completing all my finals.

What am I free from? A constant battle with myself to find motivation and determination to finish this semester!

     I am happy with myself. I got an 88% on my Statistics final. I didn't do much studying, and that is not bragging, thats bewilderment. I am the type of person that studies, and studies, and studies. So either A: I am a uber nerd because I like statistics, understand it, and retain it, B: someone upstairs was working some magic because he knows I am struggling. C: Both A and B. D: I cheated.

I didn't cheat.

Maybe
                                                    of course I don't cheat. I have too guilty of a concious.

     So what now? What to do with my free time? Thats right. I don't have much anymore! I will be working 5/6 days a week between two jobs. I am going to be doing some hard core book-keeping training for Bare Bones and Tifie Ranch. I am really excited to have a little change with work. I still love doing hair and am hoping I stay busy at the salon. I have a sweet story I want to share.

     Elaine Moody is one of my regulars. She is there every friday to get her hair done. She was very concerned about me when she found out I was sick. She was very sweet to me the next time I saw her, giving me a hug, and comforting words.
     Last week she was checking up on me. I told her I was just trying to manage day to day. It somehow came up that I had little appetite and motivation to make meals. She said  "what is your favorite place to eat? You ought to go out and a least get something you like." I told her we were trying not to spend money on dining out, or I probably would! I didn't mean to say it to make her feel bad, or woe is me I'm so poor.
     At the end of her appointment she pulled a $20 out of her wallet and said "go out somewhere with your husband and get yourself some food you enjoy". Oh Elaine!!! I seriously love my old ladies. They look after you. Its like having multiple grandmas.

I got to spend time with Gray and Lear (little brother in laws) over the weekend. I took them up to my parents house. I hope they had fun, and weren't too bored. We wanted to do a lot more things with them, but crummy weather got in the way. I liked having them get to know my family a little better. Maybe the whole In-Law family can come up next time!

 Ta for now.

A bit of fun

What a week! It is amazing how fast time goes when you are not laying in a hospital bed, or any bed for that matter.

I got myself to go to school. My teachers have been more than understanding, and willing to work with me. It's been hard to find motivation, however, as I feel like I've lost all my steam. Then I think about dragging it out, and that sounds terrible! I have two test to make up, 8-9 assignments, and then finals. So to not stress out I am trying to handle my life DAY to DAY.

I met with a tutor for my Stat 121 class, and he was encouraging. About a half hour into reviewing exam material he says to me "I am surprised how much you know! Most people I help at this point are so lost." So tomorrow I plan to take the exam!

I went back to work this week as well. Thursday-Sat. My body aches. But it was good to see my clients. I was swamped, and that felt good. I only almost cried twice. When two of my older ladies gave condolences. They are so sweet.

For fun this weekend, I got to go on a couple dates with Perry.



He took me to see Hunger Games. I was pleased with the movie. Lots of cool cinematography! But mostly it was great to cuddle on the comfy iMax seats :) Go memory foam.



I took Vinny on a couple long walks. It was nice to get a little exercise, especially out in the sun. Since losing at least 20 pounds of water, I don't recognize my little legs. I think I experienced some atrophy too.
I have taken some before pictures, pre-running.



No muscle :s


At least the swelling is almost gone! Still a little tenderness around the ankles and top of foot.

And my most FAVORITE thing I did this week. Woke up the Scooter!!



We went on a ride with the club I am part of. Brigham Bees Scooter Club.


Perry wearing hipster glasses



At the top of Squaw Peak. Thank you Perry for joining me on the ride :)

Wish me luck to survive this next week. School school school and




SCHOOL!!

Thank you post

To my Momma - I love you for taking care of me over the past week. It really means a lot to still be able to rely on you, even though I'm grown up and out of the house.  I don't know what I can do to repay you, other than try and be like you! Be the best person I can be. I hope I can be as good as a mother as you are.

To my Mom in Law - Thank you for sitting in the hospital with me so much. It was very comforting to have someone there with me right after it all happened. You raised an amazing son and I'm glad to be part of the family. Thanks for being a strength for me, I love you. 


To my Pappa - Thanks for coming and being a silent support. Your blessing gave me a lot of peace. Thanks for letting me take over yours and mom's bed for a few days :) I love you

To my Pappa in Law - Thank you for your advice and words of wisdom. I'm thankful that Perry has someone like you to talk to. Thank you for your love and support, I love you. 


Tara - Thanks for being there for me before, during, and after this mess. You sacrifice a lot of your time to your profession. It means a lot to me to have someone I can talk to. Thanks for checking up on me so much, I need it. Love you!

To my siblings - Thanks for your concern and checking up on me. I know not all of you could visit, but I appreciate your love through calling, texting, etc. Family means a lot to me and I'm glad I have you.

Ashliegh Baldwin - Thanks for talking to me and visiting while I was sick. I am glad I can confide in you with confidence, well I hope you don't think I'm crazy anyway :) And I can't wait to start running with you!

Braden and Kristen - Thank you for rescuing my Vinny in a time of need :) 

Colby - Thank you for being Perry's friend and keeping him out of trouble

Julia - thanks for being my friend, can't wait to plan some trips this summer

To all those other family and friends that sent flowers, cards, and kind words: Thank you! Thats all I can really say, I appreciate your love, prayer and thoughts.

To my Father in heaven: Thank you for giving me strength, even when I don't think I have any. I love you and will continue to trust in you. 

Last but not least :)
My Perry: You are my best friend! You are going to have to deal with my mood for the next little while. Thank you for being my better half. I couldn't live without you! I love you very much. We have already gone through so much in our first 2 years of marriage. I know we can get through anything. We are such a good pair.

Stuff I did last week

To help my sanity I tried to do things to help me feel, normal. I went to "zoro the musical" with my parents, brother and his date.



I collected eggs from the chickens.



I finally got to see Vinny early Sunday morning. Perry drove up to my parents after he played a show. He got sleepy on the way, took a little nap, and didn't get to my parents until almost 4 am. He is a sweet husband though, I appreciated being able to finally cuddle next to him. It had been over a week since we had!

Since Vinny stayed at my in-laws, who have two other dogs, for the past week. He got pretty stanky. This is what he looks like wet, pretty disgusting.



My brother made a 50 caliber black powder rifle. Perry and I had the privilege to shoot it.



Aiming



On try number two I got the target!



Powder-wedge-bullet



I love him



Getting instructions



More instructions. I think the bullet accidentally fell out before he shot this.


Love his face on this one



Don't mess with me, perry will shoot you



I finally got to wear my wedding ring!

Health wise I am still on the mend. We visited the doctor yesterday and my test came back negative for most things. This means that they probably won't find the Why of what caused my preeclampsia, but I think that is a good thing. It means I don't have any pre existing health problems.

Health update

I was finally released from el hospital on Wednesday. My mother in law drove me to meet up with my mom, where I now continue to recover.



My legs yesterday morning.

I continue to lose the extra water in my legs. Yesterday I went out to look at a Pomeranian puppy. Holding her really made me miss my Vinny.


And although she was a very cute dog, I didn't get the YES vibes. So we will continue looking to find him a companion. For now, I just can't wait to play with him again!!

After we went to see the pup I went out to lunch at Chillis. I looked a little less sickly than days passed, I even put on makeup yesterday :).

We then went to target to get some pants that fit me, make me feel less grungy. Exercise pants are a step up from sweat pants. Check out these cute sock slippers my Mama got me.



After the long day my feet were puffy again and it was nice to soak in the tub, wash my body of all the hospital adhesive residue.

Today was pretty fun. I got to do a little book training for a position I am going to take over at Barebones/Tifie Ranch. I also got to go out and take some pictures for their website. I am pretty beat, but it was nice to get some sun and fresh air.

Making Lists

A little tragedy has hit my small family. When I am ready to talk about it I will, but for now, I want to share some lists of things I want to getworking on to help me heal.

1) Scooter. Get Stella registered! I drove it last summer, but never registered the plates. I am part of Brigham Bees Scooter Club. They go on rides every few weeks. The first ride is April 7th, and I want to be able to go on it! On top of registering it, I need to get spring cleaning done, a new battery, and wash and wax. I have been wanting to do a new paint job, if anyone has any ideas I am open! Right now its all black. T

he pictures above is not mine, although it would be pretty sweet to have a side car :)

2)Puppy. We have loved having Vinny. Even though he is still a little stinker at times. We want to get him a girlfriend though. I saw this little black pom online today :) She was a little too big for Vinny, but we'll keep looking. I love dogs. Ev

eryone should have a pet in my opinion.

3) Ring. March's gemstone is aquamarine. I can't talk about this right now.

4) Camping. We are trying to set up a trip in May to go to Zions National Park, or at least its surrounding area. I want to get out in nature. I love taking pictures and there are a lot of natural wonders down there in Utah.

There are so many other things that I have been thinking about, and its still weird that I will be able to do them now. At this point I will just continue to heal, yes that means you blood pressure!! Go DOWN so I can get some fresh air.

Coloring

I had a pretty productive day today. I made it on time to class! Go me!!
Next time I get pregnant I will make sure to not have a 8:00 AM math class. This morning I propped my feet up on a chair in class. I could care less what people are thinking. It was really helpful. I also did it during my labs and when I worked on homework.
All you need to do is look at my feet, then you'd understand! I have noticed a little change today. When I prop my feet up the swelling goes down! A little, but yesterday nothing I did seemed to help. Hoping that means I am on the mend.

My salon is in the processes of hiring a new stylist. I watched a potential hire do a haircut. And while I waited I practiced some ombré highlighting on the mannequin. Keep in mind, this is just one of many different ways/colors you can do. If I had long hair I would do it.



Mannequin hair doesn't like to process very well when it comes to coloring.


I am going to be doing something like this on my cousin Krista next week! She has long hair and it will look gorgeous.

I am not going to hunger games tonight in case anyone was wondering ;)

5 more weeks

And this semester will be over!!! I really can't tell you how much I want it to end.
Math. Statistics. It's been great for my brain, challenging myself and all, but can it please be over? I think if I had a spring break I wouldn't go back to school. Plus one for BYU.
I was just on campus for 4.5 hours. My legs are hurting, my brain is hurting. I have a wonderful husband who let me visit him at work. And fed me.



He needs a hair trim.

Sometimes when life gets stressful(and painful in my case), it's hard to stay positive. I think it's okay to not be 100% positive all the time. I don't care when people complain now and then. So long as its not every time you talk with someone.

I sort of feel like I am complaining all the time, especially to Perry. I have reason to!

But I am going to try and be better and not voicing my complaints to him as often. I am so lucky to have my little family. Look at this dog.



He is so cute. And he makes me happy. So does my husband. And our soon to be baby girl.

Life sucks sometimes but it could be worse!

Little Baby

Making me so sick! Why?



Cute little profile

Story about my feet. So last week I started swelling, not a little, a lot. I took it easy Saturday-Monday and the swelling went down, except around my ankles. They feel bruised.
I visited my uncle and he got me started on some supplements. Hoping it helps! I am also going to have to cut back on work hours, so maybe the swelling will be manageable, at least a little..



The smallest my feet have looked for almost a week.

Yay for motherhood I guess. Lol

Coincidence?

Perry and I were looking through our senior yearbook. All of the seniors signatures were collected and used as the inside lining of the book. Look whose names ended up side by side...



A little cool coincidence