There is no way to know how to feel today. I didn't do anything out of the ordinary. I worked my full 8 hours, and plan to do normal activity with Perry tonight. But, the thing that is on my mind is the 'what ifs". What would life be like if I had not lost my baby?
There is the obvious: I would be a mother. We would have all the stresses that come with having a baby. Since I did lose my baby though, its hard to imagine what life would be like if we had her. I do know what I would have missed out on if I didn't lose her.
Relationship with Perry: We have grown very strong as a couple. It was not easy. In fact the first 6 months after losing our baby, I was very not like myself. We have since worked very hard on our relationship, and have strengthened things between us. It is amazing as life goes on, the closer you can get to your significant other, even after you go through hard things.
Work: I most likely would have not started working with Barebones. I was offered to work with this company within the week of losing my baby. This job opened a lot of doors for Perry and I. It gave us the financial stability we were needing so Perry could go back to school (speaking of, while we were pregnant Perry was not going to school full time).
Music: I found Searching for Celia by random happenstance. I have been so unbelievably blessed to find such amazing people. All of the people I met in that band have been such a strength and good example to me. Thank you guys.
Dogs: I would not have my Dexter! He was born on March 29th. I don't think I was planning to get a second dog while I was pregnant. He is my little baby. Both of my dogs are spoiled shits, but I find justification because of what I have gone through.
Life Progress:
We have been given another chance to prepare ourselves for another baby. Not that one can ever really plan for a baby, but it has given us new goals and desires. It is a little push for motivation. And I am excited to continue working toward those things.
This is how I feel today, but at least some light is still shining through:
- M
