It gets dark fast

It is crazy how quickly we can get lost in our thoughts. 

When something is on my mind, I either have to write it out, talk it out, or I don't sleep. If I am anxious about a task, or a challenge I face, I just don't sleep. 

My mind fascinates me. It can facilitate some of the most creative thoughts. My imagination is wild. It is healthy. 

But how quickly it can go from light to dark. And gets stuck.

I think we all need to practice patience toward each other, but especially toward ourselves. We are quicker to forgive each other, and look past where others fall short, when we are in harmony with ourselves. 

We're All A Little Disordered

I have been trying to come up with a clever title for this post. Hopefully I can draw something from what I am about to say to give it a smashing one.

I am not angry at you, world. I am sad. I am sad that (usually) the first compliment we give to friends or strangers is about their bodies or personal image. As my husband says, comments like these are easy because they don't require you to directly interact with a person or to even really know the person whatsoever. The are comments that can stem purely from observation. You don't have to know me to notice my good hair, nice eyes, great legs, or changes in body shape from when we may've last met (cause trust me people I rarely talk to have talked about my weight with me). We all do it, we will keep doing it, and it is WRONG.

I started my recovery process for an eating disorder in the fall of 2010. It has been a long process, but over the past year and a half I have been way more candid. I have opened up and told my story to people. And do you want to know what the first question I usually get asked? 

"What kind did you have?"

I hate answering that question because I think it's irrelevant. I wish people understood this very important thing: Any form of disordered eating is not healthy. Why do we have to put a label on what kind someone has? I was about to rant about how there are three categories, anorexia, bulimia, and EDNOS (eating disorder not otherwise specified), but I guess one study they have added two categories: Psychogenic Vomiting (the relation between patterns of vomiting and psychiatric diagnoses)

, and Pica (characterized by an appetite for substances largely non-nutritive, such as ice, clay, chalk, dirt or sand).

Whatever

Now my ADD has kicked in and I want to take this post all over the place. I will not. I will keep it brief and to the point. 

We are all a little disordered okay? Maybe you don't focus on food or body image in the same way as someone who has (or hasn't) been diagnosed with an eating disorder. But, society focuses on body image and food so much, I truly believe we are all a little disordered (in case you can't tell, I have used this for my title by now. I actually came up with the title in the third paragraph).

We all make comments on our bodies, or how "bad" we are being for eating that dessert. We compare our bodies to our friends, we peak at their plates to make sure our portions match.

People are trying to be positive with the compliments, but by stating positives we imply negatives. So when Sally says "Mindy you are so good for not eating that cookie, I can't say no." Would she then tell me the next time I ate a cookie, "Mindy you ate that cookie, you are bad, you can't say no". (Do it, I dare you.)

If you want to talk to me a simple, "Hi Mindy" would suffice. If you want to say something positive about me "I notice how hard you work" "You are a very passionate person" would work for me. 

If you want to have small talk, I enjoy talking about the weather, not clothing sizes. 

Visual Hairstylist

Its An Art

I love doing hair, and even though I don't do it full time right now, I would be devastated if I no longer had clients to serve. I love knowing that I can make someone's day by making them feel beautiful. It doesn't have to be extreme make overs. I have never had the experience of changing someone's life because I worked on their hair (not that I've been told anyway). But I know that I touch people's lives in someway, or they wouldn't come back.

Oh and it helps that I am such a damn good stylist.

I am still human. I make mistakes. Sometimes colors just don't turn out. Sometimes I over think things and my lines aren't perfect. But every person I do, gets the special treatment of a personalized haircut.

I take so many things into consideration when I do haircuts. I constantly visualize what my next step will be. I constantly take steps to get a better look. I cross check the look in the mirror. Its an art. I am a visual hairstylist.

And what looks good on one client, does not always look good on another. I pay attention to detail, I remember everyones weird cowlicks. I am not lying when I tell people after 2-3 haircuts I know their head.

So thanks to all my clients who have stuck with me. I love serving you.

Why Utah is so Depressed

1)
Dramatic changes of weather.
     Hot
                   to                                                                FREEEZING!!!

to                6 months of winter

to                                                          3 weeks of "spring"
to                                                                                                           3 months of decent weather

How are we supposed to function with the sudden changes in weather. I mean you wear your sandals thinking its going to be a nice day, but then your feet are cold. No one can be happy,

2)
Unrealistic misinterpretaions of religious beliefs that get turned into social behaviors

I am a proud Mormon. I do not approve of the behaviors and beliefs that have come about in the culture. It is not doctrine. It is unfortunate, because I find a lot of peace and comfort in my religion. I think the LDS gospel is very hopeful. The members are their own worst enemy. One of the core beliefs we talk about is "being Christ-like". Okay I would like to point out the phrase

Christ - "like". Christ is an example to us. We believe that Christ was "perfect". We are not told to be him. We are told to use look to him as an example of humility, love, patience, kindess, forgiveness, etc. We are not asked to never make a single mistake in our life.

Do we forget one of the biggest words in our church, ATONEMENT? Yes I think we forget. We forget that we can use the atonement as often in our life as needed. And I believe the atonement is not just for when you are seeking forgiveness. It is when you need comfort, it is when you need to feel love. It is when you need to feel support. This to me is Hope. The LDS Church to me is hope.

Unfortunately, we are human. We are not perfect. We all make mistakes and have skeletons hiding in the closet, under the bed, in a bottle, in pills, in our heads.

 I wish so badly this scenario could happen:

     A fellow member admitting they are struggling with something, whether it be an addiction, or even a belief. They say it in a whole congregation, or in one of their block meetings, or to another member.
      What if - what if we could just open our arms, our ears and our hearts to them. What if we could avoid judgement(I believe being judgemental is part of human nature that we all have and its OK to admit we have all been judgemental),  and help that person. Sometimes it may just be a listening ear. Which means you don't have to say ANYTHING. You don't need to give any advice, or try to relate it to your life, or try to compare an urelated story to thier life. Just Zip the lip and listen. AND LOVE!
     I don't think anyone likes being vulnerable, but we need to be. We need to be real. You don't have to disclose your life struggles to everyone, you can keep details to yourself. But I am starting a movement.
LIFE SUCKS SOMETIMES! When I lost my baby I didn't want comfort from people(bare with me on this). I just wanted peopled to say "yes, it is unfair, it hurts and you can be as sad as you need".

Guess what ladies and gentelmen. Your life can be stressful, and you can vent, and it doesn't have to be OK. Lets take off the masks. Let stop pretending(or feel like you have to) that there is nothing that brings you down. That there is nothing in your life, family, or home that discourages you.

The end.

One Year

This day has been a fog for me. I keep finding myself asking "whats the date", for work related tasks, then I have to realize that it is March 25th.
There is no way to know how to feel today. I didn't do anything out of the ordinary. I worked my full 8 hours, and plan to do normal activity with Perry tonight. But, the thing that is on my mind is the 'what ifs". What would life be like if I had not lost my baby?

There is the obvious: I would be a mother. We would have all the stresses that come with having a baby. Since I did lose my baby though, its hard to imagine what life would be like if we had her. I do know what I would have missed out on if I didn't lose her.

Relationship with Perry: We have grown very strong as a couple. It was not easy. In fact the first 6 months after losing our baby, I was very not like myself. We have since worked very hard on our relationship, and have strengthened things between us. It is amazing as life goes on, the closer you can get to your significant other, even after you go through hard things.

Work: I most likely would have not started working with Barebones. I was offered to work with this company within the week of losing my baby. This job opened a lot of doors for Perry and I. It gave us the financial stability we were needing so Perry could go back to school (speaking of, while we were pregnant Perry was not going to school full time).

Music: I found Searching for Celia by random happenstance. I have been so unbelievably blessed to find such amazing people. All of the people I met in that band have been such a strength and good example to me. Thank you guys.

Dogs: I would not have my Dexter! He was born on March 29th. I don't think I was planning to get a second dog while I was pregnant. He is my little baby. Both of my dogs are spoiled shits, but I find justification because of what I have gone through.

Life Progress:
We have been given another chance to prepare ourselves for another baby. Not that one can ever really plan for a baby, but it has given us new goals and desires. It is a little push for motivation. And I am excited to continue working toward those things.

This is how I feel today, but at least some light is still shining through:

- M

Since I am already Vulnerable

Everybody Knows Somebody 

This week is national eating disorder awareness week. And the slogan for 2013 NEDA week is "Everybody Knows Somebody". And since I have already put my self out there with my last post, I felt like I had some more courage to write about my own struggles with an eating disorder.

It is very hard to know what should be said. The last thing I would ever want to encourage is negative behaviors to anyone reading. And for those who already knew a little about what I have dealt with, this won't be news. But, to those who have never known, now you do.

I started my recovery in 2010 by entering Center For Change treatment facility. I thought going inpatient was a little extreme for me, especially when I started realizing that many of these girls were either a lot deeper in the illness, or had suffered for many years longer than myself. And this leads me to my first point of misconceptions of eating disorders.

It doesn't matter how much you weigh or how long you have been suffering. The behaviors of any person suffering with an eating disorder, of any kind (restriction, binge eating, over exercising, purging) are DANGEROUS. The consequences of those behavior can be deadly. Some are immediate, others may not play out until later years in life. Disordered eating is disordered eating, period.

Inpatient was exhausting. All of the control and day to day decisions are taken away from you. There is a set schedule and routine. Weigh in and vitals in the morning. Every meal is pre portioned, and if you don't finish your plate, you have to have a meal replacement shake (hope it is the chocolate because that is the most bearable). That is just the physical part. The real trial was mental. Talking to each other, talking to your therapist, talking in groups, writing, crying, anger. You were pushed to be honest with yourself, your feelings, your issues. And this leads me to my next point: Food is only a symptom.

I can only speak for myself as to why I developed an eating disorder, and it wasn't to lose weight. I remember the day it all started, actually. (Most things in between 2008 and 2010 are pretty fuzzy. When you are malnourished your brain literally starts suffering. I have a hard time remember many details of those two years.) The point is, there is always underlying issues as to why anyone as an eating disorder. Or, any addiction really. Eating Disorders are just another type of addiction. The reason I developed an ED is not going to be the same as someone else. I would never assume to know why someone has one, but I sure as hell can empathize.

And here I will make my final message. It is about changing how we think about ourselves, and what we talk about day to day regarding food and body image. I have a hard time thinking it will ever happen. Some of the closest friends I have, who know what I have dealt with, still don't understand there are certain comments they probably shouldn't make in front of me. I realize that people shouldn't have to monitor themselves, and I am in the part of my recovery where I am less sensitive. But, what if I wasn't as stable? If an alcoholic were in recovery would you invite them to go to bars, or have a drink? When people talk to me about weight, diets, or negative body issues, I still have to tune it out sometimes.

I will never be totally immune. I wish we could all stop worrying about what others are eating, commenting on what people are choosing to eat, judging ourselves for wanting something sweet. If you want to have that doughnut, eat it. If your friend doesn't want to eat one with you, its okay. If  you want to eat a salad, eat it. We should be able to eat what we want with out positive or negative feedback.

If you have read this whole post, thank you. If you have any further questions let me know. I am very open about discussing what I have learned as I have gone through the recovery process. I now challenge you to start focusing on positive self talk. And overtime, I bet we can start changing the world.

We may experience turbulance

March is going to be a hard month for me.
The pain actually started earlier than expected when my youngest dog, Dexter, had a seizure last monday:
     I picked him up to feed him some pedalite, and just by chance, seconds later he experienced a seizure. For a short moment, he stopped moving, and I thought "get ready for CPR!". We took him to the doctor the next morning, his fever was really high, and they gave him some shots. He has been doing better and is healthy again!

But, that night, I was traumatized. It brought back a flood of emotions. I was crying and remember saying out loud "I can't lose another baby". That is one of my biggest fears. And I have all reason to feel that way. I know, whenever I get pregnant again, it will not be easy. I will be fearful up to 20 weeks, and after I am sure. Any signs of swelling, I will have panic.

I went to a baby shower yesterday, and that was hard. I was proud of myself for going. I am so happy for my friend, Mirinda, who is having her first child. She is having a girl. It hurt to see her open all those adorable outfits. It was hard to see other expecting Moms at the party as well. I can't hide and avoid all of those events for the rest of my life. Again, I cried a little.

Tonight, I went back through my facebook, on March 6 2012. I announced I was having a "mini me" with a photo of her ultrasound. I didn't know that 17 days later I would hear the worst news I have ever heard in my life, and there was nothing I could do to change the outcome.

It is ironic. One of the biggest issues I struggle with is having control in my life(to a certain degree). I get frustrated with situations that I can't do anything about. And in this case there was nothing I could do past, or present, that would change the outcome.

I have reached almost all the painful dates. When she was supposed to be born, when I found out I was pregnant. I have watched all the other ladies or friends I know that were pregnant at the same time, or have since had their babies. It is hard.

But this month will probably be the hardest. And I am writing this post just to share my thoughts. And to warn everyone, that if I am moody, this is probably why :)