I have gone through all stages of grief. Denial and Anger, big time! It got to a point that I had to stop looking at my IG and FB feeds. It was too hard seeing little babies. I was pregnant around the same time as many friends. I felt stuck too, emotionally. I am happy for them, but I envy them.
As Perry and I have worked through things, we have come to a realization that we experienced two polar opposites, at the same time. 21 weeks is a long time to be pregnant. I had about 5 months to think about Perry and I being parents. We found we were going to have a girl at 19 weeks. We started getting excited(and debating) about possible names. Would she look like me? Or would the Burton genes take over? It didn't matter, we would love her all the same.
When I first started experiencing swelling at the beginning of March, I did all I could to stay off my feet. I visited Tara Tullety (sister and midwife) for a monthly check up on March 21. My protein was too high in my Urine. She told me to try a couple things to get rid of the water. Two days later she asked me to come back in for some blood work. She took one look at my ankels and decided it was best if I went to the hospital. They would be able to get results a lot quicker.
I let Perry know I was going to get some tests done. When they checked me in, they literally checked me in. They gave me a room and told me to put on a robe. I called Perry letting him know they were admitting me, still thinking I was only getting test.
The next few hours seem like a blur of emtion and despair. I foudn out I had preeclampsia, and the only way to treat it was to deliver. With the baby being 21 weeks, there was no hope for survival. Her lungs were not developed. I labored for 36 long hours.
During this time I was able to find a little peace. By the time I delivered I was ready for it to happen. And although I was about to go through immense grief and pain, I was able to get a little glimpse of happiness. I was able to see Perry hold our baby girl. We named her Olive(after someone on my mothers side). She was 10.4 oz. and 7.5 inches long.
Perry was so gentle and careful with this fragile little body. She was stillborn. I feel kind of blessed about that. I didn't have to see her struggle. This little girl looked just like Perry. She had his nose, his eyebrows. Goodness. I will never get over how perfect a baby can be at such a young gestation.
To be continued...
