March is going to be a hard month for me.
The pain actually started earlier than expected when my youngest dog, Dexter, had a seizure last monday:
I picked him up to feed him some pedalite, and just by chance, seconds later he experienced a seizure. For a short moment, he stopped moving, and I thought "get ready for CPR!". We took him to the doctor the next morning, his fever was really high, and they gave him some shots. He has been doing better and is healthy again!
But, that night, I was traumatized. It brought back a flood of emotions. I was crying and remember saying out loud "I can't lose another baby". That is one of my biggest fears. And I have all reason to feel that way. I know, whenever I get pregnant again, it will not be easy. I will be fearful up to 20 weeks, and after I am sure. Any signs of swelling, I will have panic.
I went to a baby shower yesterday, and that was hard. I was proud of myself for going. I am so happy for my friend, Mirinda, who is having her first child. She is having a girl. It hurt to see her open all those adorable outfits. It was hard to see other expecting Moms at the party as well. I can't hide and avoid all of those events for the rest of my life. Again, I cried a little.
Tonight, I went back through my facebook, on March 6 2012. I announced I was having a "mini me" with a photo of her ultrasound. I didn't know that 17 days later I would hear the worst news I have ever heard in my life, and there was nothing I could do to change the outcome.
It is ironic. One of the biggest issues I struggle with is having control in my life(to a certain degree). I get frustrated with situations that I can't do anything about. And in this case there was nothing I could do past, or present, that would change the outcome.
I have reached almost all the painful dates. When she was supposed to be born, when I found out I was pregnant. I have watched all the other ladies or friends I know that were pregnant at the same time, or have since had their babies. It is hard.
But this month will probably be the hardest. And I am writing this post just to share my thoughts. And to warn everyone, that if I am moody, this is probably why :)
You have shown such strength, compassion and courage, Mindy. You are one hell of a Woman and I a grateful to call you my friend. :) I love you.
ReplyDeleteI haven't been through exactly what you have, but having children is such a righteous desire and it feels impossible to be completely out of control in when it's something we are "made" to do. It really helps us become dependent on the Lord and his timing. It's humbling and makes us stronger and in the end that's such a good thing. But for now I can completely empathize. Just know you are so loved and such a wonderful person and example. Be moody by golly!!
ReplyDeleteIt was an incredibly hard thing you had to go through. Only you know how it felt. Gid and I love you and want you to know how glad we are to have you in our family. Eternity is real, and you will be a wonderful mother to your past and future children.
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