Since I am already Vulnerable

Everybody Knows Somebody 

This week is national eating disorder awareness week. And the slogan for 2013 NEDA week is "Everybody Knows Somebody". And since I have already put my self out there with my last post, I felt like I had some more courage to write about my own struggles with an eating disorder.

It is very hard to know what should be said. The last thing I would ever want to encourage is negative behaviors to anyone reading. And for those who already knew a little about what I have dealt with, this won't be news. But, to those who have never known, now you do.

I started my recovery in 2010 by entering Center For Change treatment facility. I thought going inpatient was a little extreme for me, especially when I started realizing that many of these girls were either a lot deeper in the illness, or had suffered for many years longer than myself. And this leads me to my first point of misconceptions of eating disorders.

It doesn't matter how much you weigh or how long you have been suffering. The behaviors of any person suffering with an eating disorder, of any kind (restriction, binge eating, over exercising, purging) are DANGEROUS. The consequences of those behavior can be deadly. Some are immediate, others may not play out until later years in life. Disordered eating is disordered eating, period.

Inpatient was exhausting. All of the control and day to day decisions are taken away from you. There is a set schedule and routine. Weigh in and vitals in the morning. Every meal is pre portioned, and if you don't finish your plate, you have to have a meal replacement shake (hope it is the chocolate because that is the most bearable). That is just the physical part. The real trial was mental. Talking to each other, talking to your therapist, talking in groups, writing, crying, anger. You were pushed to be honest with yourself, your feelings, your issues. And this leads me to my next point: Food is only a symptom.

I can only speak for myself as to why I developed an eating disorder, and it wasn't to lose weight. I remember the day it all started, actually. (Most things in between 2008 and 2010 are pretty fuzzy. When you are malnourished your brain literally starts suffering. I have a hard time remember many details of those two years.) The point is, there is always underlying issues as to why anyone as an eating disorder. Or, any addiction really. Eating Disorders are just another type of addiction. The reason I developed an ED is not going to be the same as someone else. I would never assume to know why someone has one, but I sure as hell can empathize.

And here I will make my final message. It is about changing how we think about ourselves, and what we talk about day to day regarding food and body image. I have a hard time thinking it will ever happen. Some of the closest friends I have, who know what I have dealt with, still don't understand there are certain comments they probably shouldn't make in front of me. I realize that people shouldn't have to monitor themselves, and I am in the part of my recovery where I am less sensitive. But, what if I wasn't as stable? If an alcoholic were in recovery would you invite them to go to bars, or have a drink? When people talk to me about weight, diets, or negative body issues, I still have to tune it out sometimes.

I will never be totally immune. I wish we could all stop worrying about what others are eating, commenting on what people are choosing to eat, judging ourselves for wanting something sweet. If you want to have that doughnut, eat it. If your friend doesn't want to eat one with you, its okay. If  you want to eat a salad, eat it. We should be able to eat what we want with out positive or negative feedback.

If you have read this whole post, thank you. If you have any further questions let me know. I am very open about discussing what I have learned as I have gone through the recovery process. I now challenge you to start focusing on positive self talk. And overtime, I bet we can start changing the world.

We may experience turbulance

March is going to be a hard month for me.
The pain actually started earlier than expected when my youngest dog, Dexter, had a seizure last monday:
     I picked him up to feed him some pedalite, and just by chance, seconds later he experienced a seizure. For a short moment, he stopped moving, and I thought "get ready for CPR!". We took him to the doctor the next morning, his fever was really high, and they gave him some shots. He has been doing better and is healthy again!

But, that night, I was traumatized. It brought back a flood of emotions. I was crying and remember saying out loud "I can't lose another baby". That is one of my biggest fears. And I have all reason to feel that way. I know, whenever I get pregnant again, it will not be easy. I will be fearful up to 20 weeks, and after I am sure. Any signs of swelling, I will have panic.

I went to a baby shower yesterday, and that was hard. I was proud of myself for going. I am so happy for my friend, Mirinda, who is having her first child. She is having a girl. It hurt to see her open all those adorable outfits. It was hard to see other expecting Moms at the party as well. I can't hide and avoid all of those events for the rest of my life. Again, I cried a little.

Tonight, I went back through my facebook, on March 6 2012. I announced I was having a "mini me" with a photo of her ultrasound. I didn't know that 17 days later I would hear the worst news I have ever heard in my life, and there was nothing I could do to change the outcome.

It is ironic. One of the biggest issues I struggle with is having control in my life(to a certain degree). I get frustrated with situations that I can't do anything about. And in this case there was nothing I could do past, or present, that would change the outcome.

I have reached almost all the painful dates. When she was supposed to be born, when I found out I was pregnant. I have watched all the other ladies or friends I know that were pregnant at the same time, or have since had their babies. It is hard.

But this month will probably be the hardest. And I am writing this post just to share my thoughts. And to warn everyone, that if I am moody, this is probably why :)

Back from the Grave

For what I've gone through, it really feels like I have been crawling out of a hole. I have been blessed with expriencing little loss of a loved ones in my life. Probably the most devistating loss I had felt up to March 25 2012, was when Perry went on his mission. But, he came back.

I have gone through all stages of grief. Denial and Anger, big time! It got to a point that I had to stop looking at my IG and FB feeds. It was too hard seeing little babies. I was pregnant around the same time as many friends. I felt stuck too, emotionally. I am happy for them, but I envy them.

As Perry and I have worked through things, we have come to a realization that we experienced two polar opposites, at the same time. 21 weeks is a long time to be pregnant. I had about 5 months to think about Perry and I being parents. We found we were going to have a girl at 19 weeks. We started getting excited(and debating) about possible names. Would she look like me? Or would the Burton genes take over? It didn't matter, we would love her all the same.

When I first started experiencing swelling at the beginning of March,  I did all I could to stay off my feet. I visited Tara Tullety (sister and midwife) for a monthly check up on March 21. My protein was too high in my Urine. She told me to try a couple things to get rid of the water. Two days later she asked me to come back in for some blood work. She took one look at my ankels and decided it was best if I went to the hospital. They would be able to get results a lot quicker.

I let Perry know I was going to get some tests done. When they checked me in, they literally checked me in. They gave me a room and told me to put on a robe. I called Perry letting him know they were admitting me, still thinking I was only getting test.

The next few hours seem like a blur of emtion and despair. I foudn out I had preeclampsia, and the only way to treat it was to deliver. With the baby being 21 weeks, there was no hope for survival. Her lungs were not developed. I labored for 36 long hours.

During this time I was able to find a little peace. By the time I delivered I was ready for it to happen. And although I was about to go through immense grief and pain, I was able to get a little glimpse of happiness. I was able to see Perry hold our baby girl. We named her Olive(after someone on my mothers side). She was 10.4 oz. and 7.5 inches long.

Perry was so gentle and careful with this fragile little body. She was stillborn. I feel kind of blessed about that. I didn't have to see her struggle. This little girl looked just like Perry. She had his nose, his eyebrows. Goodness. I will never get over how perfect a baby can be at such a young gestation.

To be continued...

Maybe we'll get Internet

It is much easier to blog when I have Internet in my home. Our neighbors moved out in April, and took it with them. No more poopy old lab!

I somehow survived school. I got A- in my Stats and Math 118 class. A-!?!?!? My smarty pants husband Perry got an A.

I have been enjoying my jobs. I stay pretty busy at the salon. It's been fun getting to know the new hire, and I look forward to getting another new hire! I love my clients, we haven lot of fun chats. Working for Bare Bones has been rewarding but frustrating. The server for which we use the book keeping program on has had problems for weeks now. I am trying to work hard and learn what I need, but it's hard when I can't do everything I need! But I am the jack of all trades with that job. Book keeper/HR/executive sec.

I work a lot. I like it. We were able to go camping last weekend with four others. I will post pics later today.

Here are some fun pics.



Dexter and Vinny cuddling






Penelope at Sean's graduation



Sean's graduation speech




Hair fun!



Necklace I got as a gift. That's the birthstone for march



Gray Vinny and Penelope

FREEDOM

This is how I feel after completing all my finals.

What am I free from? A constant battle with myself to find motivation and determination to finish this semester!

     I am happy with myself. I got an 88% on my Statistics final. I didn't do much studying, and that is not bragging, thats bewilderment. I am the type of person that studies, and studies, and studies. So either A: I am a uber nerd because I like statistics, understand it, and retain it, B: someone upstairs was working some magic because he knows I am struggling. C: Both A and B. D: I cheated.

I didn't cheat.

Maybe
                                                    of course I don't cheat. I have too guilty of a concious.

     So what now? What to do with my free time? Thats right. I don't have much anymore! I will be working 5/6 days a week between two jobs. I am going to be doing some hard core book-keeping training for Bare Bones and Tifie Ranch. I am really excited to have a little change with work. I still love doing hair and am hoping I stay busy at the salon. I have a sweet story I want to share.

     Elaine Moody is one of my regulars. She is there every friday to get her hair done. She was very concerned about me when she found out I was sick. She was very sweet to me the next time I saw her, giving me a hug, and comforting words.
     Last week she was checking up on me. I told her I was just trying to manage day to day. It somehow came up that I had little appetite and motivation to make meals. She said  "what is your favorite place to eat? You ought to go out and a least get something you like." I told her we were trying not to spend money on dining out, or I probably would! I didn't mean to say it to make her feel bad, or woe is me I'm so poor.
     At the end of her appointment she pulled a $20 out of her wallet and said "go out somewhere with your husband and get yourself some food you enjoy". Oh Elaine!!! I seriously love my old ladies. They look after you. Its like having multiple grandmas.

I got to spend time with Gray and Lear (little brother in laws) over the weekend. I took them up to my parents house. I hope they had fun, and weren't too bored. We wanted to do a lot more things with them, but crummy weather got in the way. I liked having them get to know my family a little better. Maybe the whole In-Law family can come up next time!

 Ta for now.

A bit of fun

What a week! It is amazing how fast time goes when you are not laying in a hospital bed, or any bed for that matter.

I got myself to go to school. My teachers have been more than understanding, and willing to work with me. It's been hard to find motivation, however, as I feel like I've lost all my steam. Then I think about dragging it out, and that sounds terrible! I have two test to make up, 8-9 assignments, and then finals. So to not stress out I am trying to handle my life DAY to DAY.

I met with a tutor for my Stat 121 class, and he was encouraging. About a half hour into reviewing exam material he says to me "I am surprised how much you know! Most people I help at this point are so lost." So tomorrow I plan to take the exam!

I went back to work this week as well. Thursday-Sat. My body aches. But it was good to see my clients. I was swamped, and that felt good. I only almost cried twice. When two of my older ladies gave condolences. They are so sweet.

For fun this weekend, I got to go on a couple dates with Perry.



He took me to see Hunger Games. I was pleased with the movie. Lots of cool cinematography! But mostly it was great to cuddle on the comfy iMax seats :) Go memory foam.



I took Vinny on a couple long walks. It was nice to get a little exercise, especially out in the sun. Since losing at least 20 pounds of water, I don't recognize my little legs. I think I experienced some atrophy too.
I have taken some before pictures, pre-running.



No muscle :s


At least the swelling is almost gone! Still a little tenderness around the ankles and top of foot.

And my most FAVORITE thing I did this week. Woke up the Scooter!!



We went on a ride with the club I am part of. Brigham Bees Scooter Club.


Perry wearing hipster glasses



At the top of Squaw Peak. Thank you Perry for joining me on the ride :)

Wish me luck to survive this next week. School school school and




SCHOOL!!

Thank you post

To my Momma - I love you for taking care of me over the past week. It really means a lot to still be able to rely on you, even though I'm grown up and out of the house.  I don't know what I can do to repay you, other than try and be like you! Be the best person I can be. I hope I can be as good as a mother as you are.

To my Mom in Law - Thank you for sitting in the hospital with me so much. It was very comforting to have someone there with me right after it all happened. You raised an amazing son and I'm glad to be part of the family. Thanks for being a strength for me, I love you. 


To my Pappa - Thanks for coming and being a silent support. Your blessing gave me a lot of peace. Thanks for letting me take over yours and mom's bed for a few days :) I love you

To my Pappa in Law - Thank you for your advice and words of wisdom. I'm thankful that Perry has someone like you to talk to. Thank you for your love and support, I love you. 


Tara - Thanks for being there for me before, during, and after this mess. You sacrifice a lot of your time to your profession. It means a lot to me to have someone I can talk to. Thanks for checking up on me so much, I need it. Love you!

To my siblings - Thanks for your concern and checking up on me. I know not all of you could visit, but I appreciate your love through calling, texting, etc. Family means a lot to me and I'm glad I have you.

Ashliegh Baldwin - Thanks for talking to me and visiting while I was sick. I am glad I can confide in you with confidence, well I hope you don't think I'm crazy anyway :) And I can't wait to start running with you!

Braden and Kristen - Thank you for rescuing my Vinny in a time of need :) 

Colby - Thank you for being Perry's friend and keeping him out of trouble

Julia - thanks for being my friend, can't wait to plan some trips this summer

To all those other family and friends that sent flowers, cards, and kind words: Thank you! Thats all I can really say, I appreciate your love, prayer and thoughts.

To my Father in heaven: Thank you for giving me strength, even when I don't think I have any. I love you and will continue to trust in you. 

Last but not least :)
My Perry: You are my best friend! You are going to have to deal with my mood for the next little while. Thank you for being my better half. I couldn't live without you! I love you very much. We have already gone through so much in our first 2 years of marriage. I know we can get through anything. We are such a good pair.